How the Gospel Set me Free from my Coach’s Expectations
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Enneagram 3 & Middle Child Syndrome
I don't know if any of you are enneagram 3’s (the achiever) or have “middle child syndrome,” but I have both. Since the thrill of my parent’s excitement after my first near perfect report card, I have always strived for the next accomplishment. Quickly, this pursuit became more of an identity, and I only knew who I was by the awards that I received.
College & Expectations
1 redshirt year, 2 trips to nationals, and 3 coaches later, I was in my 4th year at Azusa Pacific University on the track and field team. The season was going well according to the numbers. I had stayed at the top of the national list all season for discus and punched an automatic qualifier for nationals early in the season. All of which was really exciting, but not beyond any of my coach’s or parent’s expectations for me. Their expectations for my success was something I took pride in. Even more so, at the core of who I was, it was the measure by which I determined my worth.
But that is Old testament way of thinking...
Do ____ to become ______.
In the Old Testament, we see this idea of having to “do” in order to “become.” The scriptures in the first half of the Bible describe a narrative in which God gives humanity a list of laws to live by, expectations if you will, and humanity fails to keep them (aka sin). The only way someone could come before a perfect and holy God was to be perfect and holy. So as a result we were considered “dead in our transgressions and sins.” Ephesians 2:1. And in order to be made clean, a perfect, spotless sacrifice had to be made. In other words, humanity had to PERFORM in order to BECOME.
This narrative is much like my failure narrative. I missed the mark, I failed the expectations of my coach. And as a result, I felt like I had nothing to offer, nothing to show for myself. All the hard work of the past 8 months of training felt pointless just to fail at the most important meet of the season. I was living in the mindset of old covenant, believing that my performance caused me to become worthy of another’s acceptance and praise.
“By Grace” Narrative
“But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus...
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. “ Ephesians 2:4-6, 8-9
By Grace - Not by works.
My performance-based way of thinking crumbles at the reality of this passage of scripture. The truth is this- I will never be able to live up to every expectation. But the good news is that I don't have to. The gospel says that my salvation and my identity as a daughter worthy of Christ’s unending, unfailing love is BY GRACE, not works. In other words, failure does not and will never have the last word. Nothing I do on the track can take away what was given to me by Christ. At the end of the day, whether I throw an olympic qualifier or a foul, my worth is untouched and sealed in Jesus. My worth is based on what Jesus has done. The value system is no longer “do to become,” rather it's a “I am because of what Jesus has done.”
This truth has SET ME FREE.
I can show up fully at meets knowing that at the end of the day, regardless of the outcome, I am Elle, I am saved, by grace, through faith- not by works.
My identity is solely based on what Jesus has done. No matter how hard I train, it is nothing I could have ever earned. No matter how poor I perform, it's nothing I could ever lose.
Elle Alexander
I was born and raised in the Midwest, but have happily replanted in SoCal for the time being. My greatest joy is to see people set free and fall in love with the person of Jesus. I am currently in the process of finishing my Masters degree in Leadership Development at Azusa Pacific University where I have been faithful to compete for the track team over the last 5 years and counting (shoutout to all my red shirts and corona shirts). Outside of throwing metal implements, I come alive through new experiences, finding the best views, and seeing someone step into abundant life with Jesus. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.